I was watching the James Bond film “Octopussy” and came to a remarkable conclusion: the quality of any action movie can be decided by how its Giant henchmen meets his end.

In said James bond film, the giant guy with the turban (we’ll call him Raoul) was hulking around generally being a tough son-of-a-gun. After crushing some dice with his bare hands and fighting a few lesser heroes the movie came the point for the final battles.

Our villain and Raoul were in a perfectly good plane with James Bond on the outside (10,000 feet elevation or so). When James begins manipulating the elevators on the plane our henchmen tell Raoul to Go OUTSIDE to get him. Raoul being obedient goes outside with a knife and falls of the plane to his death.

You would think that the villain would land the plane and have Raoul beat the tar out of bond where he would have his advantage. Being angry at this outcome I proceeded to research and create the science of the Big Mean Guy. It is important to note that the Big Mean Guy is always relative to the hero. Consequently Van Damme and Shwarzenegger don’t usually have one. Anyway here we go.

1. Big Mean Guys Never Die from Guns or Knives: I guess this is just too lame of a way for ol’ Raoul to go. Look for them to get blown up or fall to their death. Just think of Batman, any bond film, or any cheesy action movie. There is an exception in Raiders of the lost Ark (Making it a top-notch action movie) but unfortunately all other Indiana Jones movies fall into this rule.

2. Big Mean guys Never call for Help: Maybe there’s just not enough glory when you have your buddies. Think back to Indiana Jones, German huge guy instead of calling the BRIGADE of backup he has to stop Indiana Jones strips his shirt off and goes up to fistfight him. Or maybe the big guy in Jackie Chan’s first strike who just appears in doorways and corridors to fight by themselves.

3. Big Mean Guys Are Never Eloquent: I don’t know why this is, maybe people are more menacing with few words and deep voices. That would definitely be an argument for why X-3 was awesome when Juggernaut had a high pitch british voice.

4. The Name is proportianal to the biggness and meanness: I was going to call this one properties of Biggness and Meanness but it didn’t work. Raoul, Jaws, Huge German, Huge Henchman, and Giant Sherpa are all names of massive henchmen in movies.

So now you know your science of big mean men. If you are unfortunate to meet one remember to keep a core breach or airplane handy because those pesky conventional weapons never seem to work.

So I had a test at 7:30 and I was the first out. Not because I don’t care but because I know good test taking skills. Since my entire class is still taking the test which shouldn’t have taken more than a half an hour I have decided to pity college students everywhere and give some test taking advice.

1. In multiple choice questions, if you don’t have any idea what the answer is and eliminating some doesn’t even work, pick at random and move on. You won’t spontaneously learn what you haven’t taken the time to study.

2. Really step one goes for a lot, you either know things or you don’t don’t waste time guessing. Waste time solving other problems instead.

3. In short answer if you’re pausing for no good reason (mainly because you don’t know the answer) you won’t spontaneously lean the information for these questions either, and if you’re trying to fudge good luck because teachers see right through that and a test is *not* graded by completion, even if your homework is .

4. On essay questions unless you’re an english major syntax is nothing. If you’re wasting time using metaphors in a history class just to take up space you might as well be using the extra paper to blow your nose. A tree died for that paper, don’t waste it trying to BS your teacher.

5. Check your work only if you knew the answer in the first place. See step one if you still haven’t gotten that you won’t spontaneously learn something.

6. Don’t cry about a test, if you failed you didn’t study. Generations of people have taken college tests and while some fail like you, most pass proving that it is possible.

7. Its just a grade.

So with this friendly advice, good luck on your next test (study next time) and if you get a bad grade accept it and either do better or don’t but whining won’t change it.

So I’ve been writing several different aspects of my story for a while now and I have to admit its kind of refreshing. I like being on a roll writing-wise and this story has done nothing but take off. Unfortunately the stuff is so specialized I can’t risk posting it online, but don’t worry. There will be plenty of short stories still coming. Well I went out to coffee yesterday and it was a nice break from everything I’ve been up to lately. People underestimate the power of just getting out and meeting new people. Of course, the fact that i have poison oak on my arms and behind me knees makes it difficult to enjoy myself but I had fun just the same. Now its off to professorial conferences for the rest of the day. I’ll post some short stories later.