Comments for Barista Barister

Comment on Theresa #13 – Caramel Machiatto by Shannon Jelle

Shannon Jelle — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 21:48:14 +0000

So is raising an eyebrow the only indication that a guy has just processed a thought? And is it the only expression Theresa views them exhibiting? Mark does it once and Jerome twice, all in the last couple paragraphs. And why does it remind her of Jerome unless he does it all the time. It didn’t feel like he did all the time (at least not when I read about him), and it’s not exactly a unique facial response. It may be good (if this is the case) that Theresa’s inner thoughts point out how this was something Jerome always did. (And if it was, people who notice something-like raising an eyebrow, like that, that a person does repeatedly are usually A) annoyed by it, or B) enjoy it, how does Theresa feel about the reminder? (Hope that makes sense, I re-read the comment twice, but can’t find a better way of wording things) I love the way you wrote: ‘Only a faint smattering of students were scattered about, seeking to study in fresh air.’ It’s quite poetic and enjoyable. I love reading something that makes it tempting to read aloud. So was Theresa so wrapped up in her thoughts of Jerome (which seemed a bit vacant) that she’s not annoyed or questioning, or saddened by Mark’s sudden departure? She would have thought SOMETHING about it. What does she thing about the fact that he’s tutoring, does she believe him etc. Those are all things you’d want to include. Hope these help. Normally you’ve let me know if they do or not, but you haven’t given me any feedback on the feedback. Am I picking up on things you want? Or am I focusing on things you’re not concerned about? Don’t get me wrong I’m happy to spend time with Theresa

Comment on Theresa #12 – The Rose Garden by Shannon Jelle

Shannon Jelle — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 18:34:55 +0000

So these comments feel a bit more technical, and I know grammatically you don’t need me to chime in, but sometimes the way you put things can be distracting, to some one as critical as myself. For example, the story is about Theresa and from her perspective, would she look at the couple under the gazebo and think “necking” (kind of an older term) or “making out”. Also she tried to “appear aloof” what does that look like for Theresa? What are her eyes or mouth doing to possibly achieve the effect she desires? Does she achieve it, and how would she estimate that she had? What reaction does she expect or want from this guy? We know his “face lit up” (which really only aids the reader in picturing him if we know what he regularly looks like, other than brown eyes, have they lit up? what kind of brown btw?) but what does that mean to Theresa? Is she pleased that he seems friendly? She was so descriptive, mentally of the shop owner, and that punk who’s shins she’d kicked forever ago. What happened??????? Where’re her analysis of this guy, I’d like to know? Also just some little things like: you wrote “the adobe one story adobe building” we get that it’s adobe. And you said that when she got the syllabus that “Theresa spent a few seconds looking it over” but by the time the guy sat down she was “engrossed”? why was there something interesting on the syllabus? If not did she begin reading it intently just for the sake of getting a good handle on the class. Stuff like that is what can really take me out of a moment in a story (but then again take heart in knowing that I understand it’s to my own detriment to have people be able to describe me at times as hyper-critical and not many of your readers will be distracted by things like that). So there, hope these help.

Comment on Theresa #11 – Fresh-Squeezed Orange Juice by Shannon Jelle

Shannon Jelle — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 18:31:26 +0000

This was nice, it felt mostly like filler until the end, and now I’m craving more (you’ve been taking tips from The Walking Dead haven’t you lol ) is this Jerome 2.0, will he follow her out of the shop? Will she see him again? It looks like the start of a great healthy relationship, for a few reasons. I’ll start with the guy first; he’ll be able to date some one his friends like, and it will be some one he can trust because she knows how much it hurts to be cheated on (but will Jerome make it easy for Theresa to be trustworthy-she may be disgusted with him now, but slimy guys have a way of making themselves appear tempting again, and again). Regarding Theresa, I can definitely relate to being able to be bold with complete strangers even though people you’ve known (like Jerome), especially those you once cared about, and cared about impressing/pleasing, can make you feel so small. It would be nice to see her with a guy that doesn’t make her feel like she needs to seek validation, especially validation based on appearance, which she focuses on a lot. Great job, getting back into writing these regularly has really paid off. You’ve got me caring about the characters, rather than the writing. Stop distracting me with the story so I can keep offering constructive criticism lol. The only criticism I have (which stems out of me caring about the characters) is when you write that ‘She thought of Jerome’. Ok and what? She thought of Jerome…and here’s a million dollars, or She thought of Jerome…and here’s your own rocket ship? If she thought of Jerome, what did she think? Was she full of resentment, regret, both? And what did she think of the new guy? More inner monologue por favor. Or if not inner monologue, something like ‘She thought of Jerome’ and smiled because she realized what a dirt bag her is, or felt a tear welling up, or and realized what a fool she’d been etc. Keep it up Russ.

Comment on Theresa #10 – Astronomy Class by Shannon Jelle

Shannon Jelle — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 17:52:12 +0000

That’s it? She runs away? Why not move his arm, maybe kick his shins under the desk? And what a bleeping punk. Who does he think he is? Good job, now you’ve got me asking the questions you want a reader, nto a critic to ask.

Comment on Theresa #9 – The Muffins by Shannon Jelle

Shannon Jelle — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 17:44:39 +0000

Better than the previous one, but I feel like you’re leaving out a lot and possibly (though I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt) avoiding a challenge. First of all you’ve left out a lot of emotional moments for Theresa trying on the jeans for the first time. How far off is she? Are her estimates regarding fitting into the jeans way off or reasonable. Also did Theresa discuss the jeans and her plans with Rachelle? If not she’s got no reason to be upset with her. We could have some great dialogue between the two if you really try. What exactly is Rachelle’s purpose in these stories? (If someone asks that about one of your characters-likely they’re a salt shaker) Sorry this feedback is coming so late by the way, but I am still enjoying Theresa

Comment on Theresa #8 – The Jeans Pt. 2 by Shannon Jelle

Shannon Jelle — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 19:16:13 +0000

So how does she feel though, we know what’s she’s doing, but give us a SENSE of the scenario. Is her heart racing, are there tears welling up, either in frustration, or joy? Let us know what’s going on not just around her, but in her as well.

Comment on Theresa #7 – The Jeans by Shannon Jelle

Shannon Jelle — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 22:18:22 +0000

Also darker jeans are slimming, so girls with wider thighs tend to go with darker jeans. Basically a girl, young, old, single, married wants to feel amazing and even if she’s not frilly she wants positive attention for her appearance. That being said, what a woman considers positive attention also depends on the woman and her priorities, physically emotionally, relationally (is that a word), sexually, etc. It all matters, and something as simple as one pair of jeans can do all that. Does that help?

Comment on Theresa #7 – The Jeans by Shannon Jelle

Shannon Jelle — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 22:09:07 +0000

Ok, here’s the thing to guys jeans are just something to wear because clothing is mandatory in our society. For women jeans are a very important piece of the wardrobe. Women are (in case you didn’t know) much more self concious of their bodies than men are. A girl with a flat backside may want to wear jeans that give her more oomph (skinny jeans are usually worn), but a girl who has more junk in her trunk may want to tone it down (flare or boot cut jeans tend to help balance things out). The type of hips and how firm her body is will also come into play. Thighs matter too, tight jeans may look good, but some girls will only take so much pain for beauty. A girl’s confidence can be displayed in just how low her jeans go. Then you have girls who say if you’ve got it flaunt it and will make sure that she’s noticed from behind. So body type is the first thing that a girl considers when she buys her jeans. And unless she has a specific brand she always feel secure and amazing in, every new jean purchase involves a lot of evaluation. Next color will come into play, if she looks good in dark colors she’ll probably end up in lighter jeans. If she feels comfortable in heels she’ll wear longer styles. A woman’s jeans say a lot about her personality. Is she tough, delicate, professional? If clothing were a meal the jeans would be chicken, you can do amzing things with chicken and based on the way your chicken is prepared determines all your side dishes (tops, shoes etc). Part of why jeans are so important is because they can match with so much. Does that help? A woman wants to feel confident about her body, and jeans cover a major portion of it.

Comment on Theresa #7 – The Jeans by Shannon Jelle

Shannon Jelle — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 16:57:53 +0000

Also, forgot to mention, what’s the waistline like, low, super low? What tops would she wear with them? For example if it’s a super low waistline, unless she’s not shy about showing skin she’ll have to wear long tops with them. If the waistline is higher would she tuck any blouses in? The type of waistline can also mean wearing a belt (I hate jeans that go too low when I sit down if I’m not wearing one). And the length (regardless if they’re skinny, flare, boot cut) matters too because it can help determine what shoes she would wear, pumps, boots, flats, etc.

Comment on Theresa #7 – The Jeans by Shannon Jelle

Shannon Jelle — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 16:18:23 +0000

If she comes back and the jeans are gone I’ll be crushed! You didn’t tell us anything about the jeans though, other than brand. Are they slim fit, boot cut, and what’s the color like (light blue doesn’t cut it), what kind of blue and are they acid washed, do they have intentional fraying or are they nice for a night on the town? There’s a lot more to jeans than just brand. Will Theresa actually look good in them (eventually)? A woman’s body type has a lot to do with the jeans she chooses. You should definitely have the jeans there when she gets back, not simply because I know the hurt of leaving something at a store (usually waiting for the price to drop) that isn’t there upon my return. It will give you the chance to do more with Theresa’s motivation, self esteem and the jeans as well.